Today
So if anyone knows anything about me at all, they know that I
am a planner. I like to plan out my days, weeks and yes even my life. I know
that planning and organizing is one of the great qualities that God put in me
to help raise four little boys up under Him while keeping a sound mind.
However, I also know that this is one of my main struggles when it comes to
letting God be in control of my life and realizing that my life is not my own.
About ten months ago we adopted a little two and a half year
old boy named Shannon. Adoption had never really been in the “plans” of my
life. I wanted to have lots of kids of my own and be a stay at home mom but I
had never planned on adopting. Ironically the weekend before I met Shannon my
husband and I were driving home from Amarillo and the conversation of adoption
came up. He asked me if I ever thought I could do it. I immediately said no and
really didn’t give the conversation much though until that next Wednesday. I
was keeping a friend of mine’s kids and she had called and told me that they
had unexpectedly gotten an emergency foster care child and could she bring him
over with her kids that morning. I told her yes, not knowing that my life was
about to change forever.
The second he walked in the door I could feel something
drawing me to him. I had never even met this child yet I felt something there
that I couldn’t explain. It wasn’t 5 minutes after my friend left that God
spoke to me, as clearly as I have ever heard God speak to me, that this little
boy was going to be my son. I tried to shake it off since not even three full
days ago I had just told Colton that I would never adopt. Plus I could hear how
that conversation of, “honey I know I just said I didn’t want to adopt but I
think something within the three days we talked and now I have completely
changed my mind…” I thought he would think that I was crazy. But the longer he
was there the more I knew that I had indeed heard the Lord and needed to act.
So as bravely as I could I picked up the phone and boldly hinted that I might
think I could change my mind about this whole adoption thing and that there was
this sweet, precious boy in our home that I was really falling in love with.
Colton listened and responded not knowing how serious I was that I knew this
was going to be our child. I didn’t tell him then that I wanted to adopt just
kind of beat around the bush that I really liked this child. Then 5 minutes
later, I dropped the question of I think we should adopt this little boy like
any big conversation should be had with your husband…over an email. I didn’t
know how he would respond but I should have. Colton is the world’s best man at
hearing the voice of God and moving immediately without question which is
exactly what he did. He called me and told me if God was telling me to adopt
then that is what we were going to do. He then told me to call Mike Walton and
see what our next step needed to be. Well that is when the craziness began and
the next three weeks were a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows that I still
remember to this day. We got certified faster than any other family had ever
been certified for an adoption because CPS told us we had to move fast, just to
have him ripped away the day before we were completely finished with training.
I began questioning God and what I had heard asking Him why he would have us go
through all of this to just take Shannon away from us. Then God moved again
like He always does, placing Shannon exactly where he needed to be, with us
again, in our home, forever this time.
Now you may be thinking why did you title this blog today?
Well that would be because although God did place Shannon in our home and move
on my heart about adoption and work everything in a perfect plan the way he
always does, this has been the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire
life. I would go as far as to say that since the day we got Shannon we have not
had one easy day since. He has challenged my life in every way possible. Good,
bad and ugly. I have had emotions that I didn’t even know I had and they keep
coming. I know that God has big things planned for Shannon’s life but sometimes
that is hard to remember when you are in the middle of huge battles and there
seems to be no light at the end of tunnel, which leads me to today.
Since I love to plan, I like to plan on forever. Recently the
struggles we have had with Shannon have been so big that I started feeling
completely overwhelmed and the thoughts of, can I do this forever, have been
constantly on my mind. The other day I was having quiet time crying out to God
about all of Shannon’s struggles and how tired I was and why again he had asked
me to this and I couldn’t do it for forever. God stopped me and said, “No you
are right you can not do this forever.” That made me stop and think. Well then
why did you give him to me God? And He replied, “I didn’t ask you do this for
forever. I asked to do this for today. Pray that for today I give you the
strength you need, that today I give you the peace you need, that today I give you
the love you need, that today I give you the faith you need, that today I give
you the joy you need to make it through today. Today. Just pray for today.” And
ever since then every morning I have prayed for today and God has brought such
a peace to my life that I don’t have to plan for tomorrow, or next week or for
sure the rest of my life, because he will give me what I need for today. And
today seems so much more manageable trying to plan for the rest of my life.
So if your life seems too big right now and you can’t see how
you could do this for any longer, just pray for today. He will give you what
you need for today and that is enough. And the most comforting thing that I can
hear in this season.
